I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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