And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
