I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
