She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
