we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
