I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
