this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize