It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
