What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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