dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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