Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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