Only a mothe r could love this liver
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
