people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
