I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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