i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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