I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
