I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
