Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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