just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
