We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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