theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
