I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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