i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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