im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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