Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
