Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
