I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
