if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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