I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize