It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
