i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
2020 sucks, I want a refund
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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