Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
