sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
