I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
