blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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