remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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