I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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