I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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