Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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