wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
