what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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