I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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