I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
