Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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