My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
