My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
