Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
even my farts smell like vagina
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
