apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
