I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
