she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
