New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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