i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Randomize
