I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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