i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish you could order shots online.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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