I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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