"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
