i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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