I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
