I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
