He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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