My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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