Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
