I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
