i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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